Turbulence in the Heart...
dunno where to start..
Lots of things happened today...
Couldnt get up in the morning, I guessed that I was too tired and my body ached all over. I guessed what happened this whole week has zapped the juices ot of me. She called me in the afternoon to send her to sch she was late again for her appointment. I have to rush once more to get ready and meet her? Why the hell did I say 15mins? I knew I was gonna get screwed up again like always... thats why I hate last minute meetups..not that I have to rush but to look at the anger and resentment on her face and the dissapointment..
She did not scolded me this time...I wondered why?She was angry but she said she was okay.. I left it as it was...
I went straight to NUH after that... He was there, still in ICU with cik Ana and their maid.. he looked better.. we continued to chat ..and chat..
he was asking for my bro if he was coming. I didnt know... some how my younger and mother still hates him somehow and could not forgive him.
Its quite pitiful they way he is now at his age of 51, he stills works his sweat out like a 20 yr old, at the construction site surpervising contractors. Thats all he knows all his life. I bet thats wat drives him into his condition now. Stress and Overworking conditions. They live alone just the two of them her only son who is 21 by the way lives with her exhusband. They have no child till now. Imagine living at that kind of age without any children... sometimes i feel that he has brought this onto himself and deserves all this but he is only human. Maybe last time his love for my mum died at some point... and he needed a new one. How can you force someone to love.. Maybe he tried to but cant... he shouldnt have ..its wrong ... but this world is not perfect it was never meant to be.. God made us with flaws and are bound to make mistakes and hurt each other.. thats why we are given a heart.. to feel pain. love ... and forgive... and love again..
He had to change ward and for once i was relieved that he was gonna be ok.. we were asked to wait outside and I told her that I will wait downstairs.. cant stand around and chat with her...afterall she was the cause of the separation.. I may forgive but I wont forget..
Waited at the lobby for Fizah my cuzzie. I was looking forward to meet her. Somehow yesterday I was very happy to see my cousin after such a long time. In our younger days she was the closest to me. All our other cousins were mostly my bro's agegroup only me, her and my other cuzzie Ashraf was somewhat the same age. But we both could never click with Asraf... not the same bandwidth i suppose. She came and I was so happy coz I finally get to see her again. We knew that we had to see each other coz there are many things that we need to tell each other. Too much time was lost. We could have been the bestest of friends like we did when we were kids but the tragedy of our family deprived us of that. I was overwhelmed that she opened up to me and over the brief meeting we had before we went up the ward, she told me about her probs with my aunt and uncle... problems that she would normally keep to herself. I felt sorry for her.. but at least now she know she can always look out for this cousin of hers to look after her. She is like a little sister that I never had.
After a while her parents came..and Cik Ani.. my dad's yougest sister.. she is like only 5-6 yrs older than me...so last time I clicked with her also..some...15 yrs ago??? I could see that she wanted to cry when she saw me.. Cik Ani gave me a huge hugg... I missed her dearly.. she is like a big sister I never had.. last time she would scold my other cuzzins when they were up to nogud... or disturb us... she would always give me sound advice like study well and stuff... I'm glad Im finally saw her again... must go and see her 2 kids.. Amalina and dunno wats his name... mesti cute nyer..met his hubby outside a few times but he is always so cold.. he dun likes to talk... or maybe... its just me...
My bro came.. with Nisa... finally I was glad that he mustered enough courage to come down... I know its hard for him but I was proud that he did.
PakLong suggested that we had dinner after the visit, we headed to Alif. Since I had the spare helmet... Cik Ani pillioned me.. the car was cramped anyway... and besides I think Cik Ani misses me too like I miss her... But she has always been a minah moto.. Cik Sharie rides a scrambler eva since he was courting her... so dah biasa jer.. Aiyah this Cik Ani still the same... my father adores her.. she was the youngest in the family..addopted so thats why she was well loved by everyone.
Im glad we met as a family .. I really am happy that Im seeing them again .. I miss mu uncles and aunties,,, and my cousins ,,,..many whom I have not seen yet..till now. It will never be the same again.. our family but this is what I have now.. although I only get to taste "Family" in bits and pieces.. I will grab and hold on to whatever I get or given.. Too much time was lost.. I dun wish to loose anymore.. Who knows I might be the one laying there on that bed soon or in the future?
(Nanie if you are reading this Im am not angry at you for you reacting that way yesterday... I am truly sorrie that I wasnt there... I do still need you to be beside me always... I truly appreciate that you want to be beside me yesterday.. but I need to talk to Fizah alone.. I hope you understand... Still need you here.. I tell you when I need you... you should do the same.. I am under such emotional turbulance this whole week and I can use the care and concern rite now,,, not anger and resentment from you... I know you are having emotional turmoils now and I guess we need each other now... can we stop this anger now coz we need each other... Im sorry... again... if you felt hurt... Im truly sorry... forgive me my love..)
Lots of things happened today...
Couldnt get up in the morning, I guessed that I was too tired and my body ached all over. I guessed what happened this whole week has zapped the juices ot of me. She called me in the afternoon to send her to sch she was late again for her appointment. I have to rush once more to get ready and meet her? Why the hell did I say 15mins? I knew I was gonna get screwed up again like always... thats why I hate last minute meetups..not that I have to rush but to look at the anger and resentment on her face and the dissapointment..
She did not scolded me this time...I wondered why?She was angry but she said she was okay.. I left it as it was...
I went straight to NUH after that... He was there, still in ICU with cik Ana and their maid.. he looked better.. we continued to chat ..and chat..
he was asking for my bro if he was coming. I didnt know... some how my younger and mother still hates him somehow and could not forgive him.
Its quite pitiful they way he is now at his age of 51, he stills works his sweat out like a 20 yr old, at the construction site surpervising contractors. Thats all he knows all his life. I bet thats wat drives him into his condition now. Stress and Overworking conditions. They live alone just the two of them her only son who is 21 by the way lives with her exhusband. They have no child till now. Imagine living at that kind of age without any children... sometimes i feel that he has brought this onto himself and deserves all this but he is only human. Maybe last time his love for my mum died at some point... and he needed a new one. How can you force someone to love.. Maybe he tried to but cant... he shouldnt have ..its wrong ... but this world is not perfect it was never meant to be.. God made us with flaws and are bound to make mistakes and hurt each other.. thats why we are given a heart.. to feel pain. love ... and forgive... and love again..
He had to change ward and for once i was relieved that he was gonna be ok.. we were asked to wait outside and I told her that I will wait downstairs.. cant stand around and chat with her...afterall she was the cause of the separation.. I may forgive but I wont forget..
Waited at the lobby for Fizah my cuzzie. I was looking forward to meet her. Somehow yesterday I was very happy to see my cousin after such a long time. In our younger days she was the closest to me. All our other cousins were mostly my bro's agegroup only me, her and my other cuzzie Ashraf was somewhat the same age. But we both could never click with Asraf... not the same bandwidth i suppose. She came and I was so happy coz I finally get to see her again. We knew that we had to see each other coz there are many things that we need to tell each other. Too much time was lost. We could have been the bestest of friends like we did when we were kids but the tragedy of our family deprived us of that. I was overwhelmed that she opened up to me and over the brief meeting we had before we went up the ward, she told me about her probs with my aunt and uncle... problems that she would normally keep to herself. I felt sorry for her.. but at least now she know she can always look out for this cousin of hers to look after her. She is like a little sister that I never had.
After a while her parents came..and Cik Ani.. my dad's yougest sister.. she is like only 5-6 yrs older than me...so last time I clicked with her also..some...15 yrs ago??? I could see that she wanted to cry when she saw me.. Cik Ani gave me a huge hugg... I missed her dearly.. she is like a big sister I never had.. last time she would scold my other cuzzins when they were up to nogud... or disturb us... she would always give me sound advice like study well and stuff... I'm glad Im finally saw her again... must go and see her 2 kids.. Amalina and dunno wats his name... mesti cute nyer..met his hubby outside a few times but he is always so cold.. he dun likes to talk... or maybe... its just me...
My bro came.. with Nisa... finally I was glad that he mustered enough courage to come down... I know its hard for him but I was proud that he did.
PakLong suggested that we had dinner after the visit, we headed to Alif. Since I had the spare helmet... Cik Ani pillioned me.. the car was cramped anyway... and besides I think Cik Ani misses me too like I miss her... But she has always been a minah moto.. Cik Sharie rides a scrambler eva since he was courting her... so dah biasa jer.. Aiyah this Cik Ani still the same... my father adores her.. she was the youngest in the family..addopted so thats why she was well loved by everyone.
Im glad we met as a family .. I really am happy that Im seeing them again .. I miss mu uncles and aunties,,, and my cousins ,,,..many whom I have not seen yet..till now. It will never be the same again.. our family but this is what I have now.. although I only get to taste "Family" in bits and pieces.. I will grab and hold on to whatever I get or given.. Too much time was lost.. I dun wish to loose anymore.. Who knows I might be the one laying there on that bed soon or in the future?
(Nanie if you are reading this Im am not angry at you for you reacting that way yesterday... I am truly sorrie that I wasnt there... I do still need you to be beside me always... I truly appreciate that you want to be beside me yesterday.. but I need to talk to Fizah alone.. I hope you understand... Still need you here.. I tell you when I need you... you should do the same.. I am under such emotional turbulance this whole week and I can use the care and concern rite now,,, not anger and resentment from you... I know you are having emotional turmoils now and I guess we need each other now... can we stop this anger now coz we need each other... Im sorry... again... if you felt hurt... Im truly sorry... forgive me my love..)
posted by izoned at 7:17 pm
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