LOsT in LOsT

Today is Isnani's NIE convocation day.. finally after her struggles in NIE she will will be a fullfledged-teacher.. (but I think she has been one all the time even before her NIE days) So proud of her.

Came a wee bit late for the ceremony.. It was pouring!!! but came b4 9! Still kena find parking and getting out of those drenched raincoat.. must buy a car... but first must buy my licence...haha.. She gave me that stare.. once she saw me.. but It was that stare.. but everything went ok and fine.. took lots of pics... but actually was hoping that the whole BBD stayed on for the shoot...

went back to sch after that for some meetings.. one was cancelled ..bummer..., maybe its my fault because I didn't tell him but I didn't coz I thought I will be in time back for the meeting. I guess he took pity on my UPA-leave and rescheduled....errr half day gone...

Had dinner @ Sakura with Mr & Mrs AIZ and soon to be-Mrs Andy. Kinda sleepy the whole event..went back straight....flat.... I was lost in LOST..(never watched it even..sigh..) Adik called up saying she got 2 tix to War of the world Free!!..What the heck... too tired to watch..prob..I will sleep throughout the show...and to drag myself all the way to the cinema..I dun mind if they build Supa4s with "autoride"..

**looking forward to the longweekend...*

.. Gema..

Had to design the banner for Pertandingan Gema Puisi Artistik for Cikgu Supandi..he needs it up b4 Friday. Emailed the design to Gary for printing. He quoted a good price for it ... $230/- a bit hitched up coz it was sent to him at the very last minute. But overall his price was resonable I might say.

HIs father passed away this morning... condolence to him and his family.. after class, Rauzanah, Greg and me went to see him and family at Teck Whye..
Hope that you'll are handelling this well.. take care friend

went back to werk to finish up designs and update stocks. Discuss with Rauzanah the preparations of Graduating Classes' Projects.

False Facade

Just dun want to come to work after like 1 month of nothingness. Dragged maself to the point that I shun away from external despositions. I put up a front, not of my own, not one of my innerself but one with a false facade. Just had to be there for the high spirited souls that came to scower for that ounce of liberation. My own liberation? I left that far far away. Am I able to bring myself where my head was once high? I will not die?

winnerzz!!!

Had the XBOX Games Extreme League Competition-FINALS
Clan Siberian fought hard and we won 1st, 2nd and 3rd placing..
so happy...

the prizes not so sure...

Elson, our Clan commander treated the clan to Labyrinth @ Bencoollen Street.. Drinks, Makan and Pool was on his.... so we partied till our heart's content.. but I wasnt in the party mood.

Deep down inside I was thinking about what I've done.... whom I hurt... who needed me the most rite now... but somehow I didnt budge.... dunno why... for that I am dissapointed for myself


She called.... I asked to meet her
we met.... we made up.... she forgave me... she needed me and I wasnt there... Seems like Im always not there everytime
Always.... I dissapointed myself...my promises forgotten... how could I?
Now I am given the chance once more... i dun want to dissapoint her...but I do that everytime... about not being there.... am I doing too little? Not doing enough?
I will do my very best to keep this relationship or make it grow. I know that her love for me has died..she told me this ... but I will rekindle it some how or another. How do you make someone who has lost love in you...love you again? It hard but not impossible... I will relight your fire and make it burn brighter this time.. enlightening our darkest days, thru the nyte..till the flames burns off... till we part in life... till you wait for each other at heaven's door..

Turbulence in the Heart...

dunno where to start..
Lots of things happened today...

Couldnt get up in the morning, I guessed that I was too tired and my body ached all over. I guessed what happened this whole week has zapped the juices ot of me. She called me in the afternoon to send her to sch she was late again for her appointment. I have to rush once more to get ready and meet her? Why the hell did I say 15mins? I knew I was gonna get screwed up again like always... thats why I hate last minute meetups..not that I have to rush but to look at the anger and resentment on her face and the dissapointment..

She did not scolded me this time...I wondered why?She was angry but she said she was okay.. I left it as it was...

I went straight to NUH after that... He was there, still in ICU with cik Ana and their maid.. he looked better.. we continued to chat ..and chat..
he was asking for my bro if he was coming. I didnt know... some how my younger and mother still hates him somehow and could not forgive him.
Its quite pitiful they way he is now at his age of 51, he stills works his sweat out like a 20 yr old, at the construction site surpervising contractors. Thats all he knows all his life. I bet thats wat drives him into his condition now. Stress and Overworking conditions. They live alone just the two of them her only son who is 21 by the way lives with her exhusband. They have no child till now. Imagine living at that kind of age without any children... sometimes i feel that he has brought this onto himself and deserves all this but he is only human. Maybe last time his love for my mum died at some point... and he needed a new one. How can you force someone to love.. Maybe he tried to but cant... he shouldnt have ..its wrong ... but this world is not perfect it was never meant to be.. God made us with flaws and are bound to make mistakes and hurt each other.. thats why we are given a heart.. to feel pain. love ... and forgive... and love again..

He had to change ward and for once i was relieved that he was gonna be ok.. we were asked to wait outside and I told her that I will wait downstairs.. cant stand around and chat with her...afterall she was the cause of the separation.. I may forgive but I wont forget..

Waited at the lobby for Fizah my cuzzie. I was looking forward to meet her. Somehow yesterday I was very happy to see my cousin after such a long time. In our younger days she was the closest to me. All our other cousins were mostly my bro's agegroup only me, her and my other cuzzie Ashraf was somewhat the same age. But we both could never click with Asraf... not the same bandwidth i suppose. She came and I was so happy coz I finally get to see her again. We knew that we had to see each other coz there are many things that we need to tell each other. Too much time was lost. We could have been the bestest of friends like we did when we were kids but the tragedy of our family deprived us of that. I was overwhelmed that she opened up to me and over the brief meeting we had before we went up the ward, she told me about her probs with my aunt and uncle... problems that she would normally keep to herself. I felt sorry for her.. but at least now she know she can always look out for this cousin of hers to look after her. She is like a little sister that I never had.

After a while her parents came..and Cik Ani.. my dad's yougest sister.. she is like only 5-6 yrs older than me...so last time I clicked with her also..some...15 yrs ago??? I could see that she wanted to cry when she saw me.. Cik Ani gave me a huge hugg... I missed her dearly.. she is like a big sister I never had.. last time she would scold my other cuzzins when they were up to nogud... or disturb us... she would always give me sound advice like study well and stuff... I'm glad Im finally saw her again... must go and see her 2 kids.. Amalina and dunno wats his name... mesti cute nyer..met his hubby outside a few times but he is always so cold.. he dun likes to talk... or maybe... its just me...
My bro came.. with Nisa... finally I was glad that he mustered enough courage to come down... I know its hard for him but I was proud that he did.

PakLong suggested that we had dinner after the visit, we headed to Alif. Since I had the spare helmet... Cik Ani pillioned me.. the car was cramped anyway... and besides I think Cik Ani misses me too like I miss her... But she has always been a minah moto.. Cik Sharie rides a scrambler eva since he was courting her... so dah biasa jer.. Aiyah this Cik Ani still the same... my father adores her.. she was the youngest in the family..addopted so thats why she was well loved by everyone.

Im glad we met as a family .. I really am happy that Im seeing them again .. I miss mu uncles and aunties,,, and my cousins ,,,..many whom I have not seen yet..till now. It will never be the same again.. our family but this is what I have now.. although I only get to taste "Family" in bits and pieces.. I will grab and hold on to whatever I get or given.. Too much time was lost.. I dun wish to loose anymore.. Who knows I might be the one laying there on that bed soon or in the future?


(Nanie if you are reading this Im am not angry at you for you reacting that way yesterday... I am truly sorrie that I wasnt there... I do still need you to be beside me always... I truly appreciate that you want to be beside me yesterday.. but I need to talk to Fizah alone.. I hope you understand... Still need you here.. I tell you when I need you... you should do the same.. I am under such emotional turbulance this whole week and I can use the care and concern rite now,,, not anger and resentment from you... I know you are having emotional turmoils now and I guess we need each other now... can we stop this anger now coz we need each other... Im sorry... again... if you felt hurt... Im truly sorry... forgive me my love..)

Heart Attack

My nightmares have come true...this whole week I have been thinking about my father... dah lama sangat merindukan kasih sayangnya.. terlalu lama... dan peninggalan atuk sedaraku membikin hatiku tambah pilu bila melihat sedaraku menagis2 kehilangan ayah tersayang...

at 9pm I had a call its my cousin..she called my home me first wanting to know my hp no coz she lost it.. lama my cuz dah tak talipon apa kena dia? sekali dia kata she has some bad news... she told me.... "Your dad is in ICU now, he is under surgery.. he had a heart attack!".. my heart sank... i almost cried on the phone.. I didnt xpect that... I told my mum but she didnt know what to do... my parents are divorced for some 10 years now.. My Bro and Mum still hate my dad till now.. I dun know why aftter so long why the hatred. Im sure he is sorry for what has happened. For me I have forgiven him and accepted fate. He is my father afterall. I told my mum that Im goin to the hospital. I rushed to the hospital... my mind racing as my bike could go with the wind... throughout the journey tears rolled down my eyes. The road seemed bluurr.Kept thinking of him. His siblings were there they were scared that I would do something irrational,saying my stepmother is here. I dun care about her I want to see my dad.. They told me he had a heart attack in the morning and has undergone surgery he is fine now.. I cant keep my emotions back but i didnt want to cry infront of them. Its been years since I last saw my dad. I miss him so badly I wanted to see him all these years but I dun wsh to see him like this. Im angry at his siblings coz they knew about his hospitalization since mornin but kept it frm my family till late that nite. they didnt know if they should tell me or not. Who are they to judge?? He is my Father for GOD sake!! Whatever HE's done to us, he is still my father!! I still love him.. I sat for a while in the ICU..... Im goin to be there Dad tommorow..I'll be here for you......

Pusaraman..

Went for my Grandmother's younger Brother's burrial today... It was a sad event. A sad day indeed.

My uncle came to pick my MUM and Grandma..to Pandan Gardens.. then I trailed my other uncle and auntie.. soon after. The residence was packed and there was no way you can get into the living room. The corridor was packed too so I ended up waiting with the rest of the family members at the void deck of the residence.

The atmosphere was sullen and quiet most of the time..
The late Samsudin... a good man indeed. A great musician a great artist... a great father... a great man.... always humble and well liked to others...

today... bus came down by the loads...
his colleagues from Jurong Shipyard came down by the loads... its heart-warming to see that your friends and colleagues come down to give you the last respect... i think they all got a half-day from the company....

Even Minister Yatiman Yusof came.. he was at Pusaraabadi.... at the burial site.. so kind of him make his pressence... he was there the night before..he came again today.
Yesterday.. even Nadiputra came down (A well known figure in Malay performing Arts and Theatre). Seems like they have a long history coz Mr Samsudin has been in the Music business for a long time..

He died of a heart attack.. he went to the private clinic on Sunday morning.. complaining of chest pains.. but the Doc said not to worry coz maybe its just a minor thing... he was given some medication..and was said to rest... Mr Samsudin always have his music practice at Tampines CC with his band mates... so he was actually was on the MRT when he had the heart attack. Luckily his friend was with him at that moment.. he was sent to Changi General Hospital... and hours later.. he passed away.. peacefully... his body was brought back to his Pandan Gardens Residence in the evening...

I have always admred him coz at his age at 67, he still dressed up in jeans and t-shirts. He leads an active social life... playing several instruments... has 4 sons all of whom didn't quite follow their father's musical inclination. But perhaps the man would prefer his sons to persue their own dreams. I am close to the youngest one, Rashid coz I remembered back during the Kampung Days of Pasir Panjang... we loved to play together... maybe because we are of somewhat the same age..